Out of my mind
by ElliotStablerLova
Summary: Elliot has been though alot in his life ... but can he cope with a big tragedy like this?
1. Chapter 1

**Out of my mind**

**I was just randomly listening to the James Blunt song: "Out of my Mind" and I got an idea for a story … sorry I didn't get a chance to update "Changes" recently, once I got this idea I needed to write it. Please comment if you can and thanks for reading.**

**THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH "CHANGES"!!!**

He had a long week between the fights with Kathy and the kids, and the fact that Olivia was mad at him: when he talked about Kathy. He didn't mind when people were mad at him, but when Olivia was mad at him, his mind stopped. She was his rock, she kept him stable and he returned the favor to her. They were close: they were partners for crying out loud, and they would do anything for one another if it meant injury … or even death.

…………………………………………………………………………..

"Thank god it's the weekend!" said Olivia getting her desk neatened up so she wouldn't have to do it on Monday.

"Yeah wonderful." Said Elliot sarcastically

"Shouldn't you be happy it's the weekend? Go home, get a beer, and watch the Yankees!"

Elliot wishes he can stay and catch a case anything to stay away from the hellhole called home. Kathy has been throwing fits and the kids are being a pain in the ass too. He really wishes he didn't stay that night, and just have gone to the bar with his buds or Olivia. But instead he was on top of Kathy panting like a dog, wanting more.

"I don't want to go home." said Elliot quietly

"Elliot what's going on?" asked Liv pushing her cluttered pile of papers aside and resting on both elbows.

"Nothing.."

"Tell me Ell." She said

He loved when she said that, it always made him feel comfortable and secure in telling her what was on his mind or what was going on.

"Just Kathy is being a bitch that's all."

"Elliot she is pregnant you know! Trust me my friend was like that, just get her pickles or ice cream or whatever and she will be fine."

"It's not that … Its just … the pregnancy is very high risk, so the chances of the baby making it are slim. And I just want her to be alright"

Olivia never knew that it was high risk. Olivia knows what it feels like when a baby doesn't make it though the birth. The mother blames herself and takes her anger or sadness out on anything.

"Oh Ell I'm sorry." She said quietly.

"Yeah, It's just, …" said Elliot pausing, looking at her

Olivia's expression told him to go on so he did:

" It's just that night I wasn't thinking, I …"

"Regret it?"

"Yeah, the fact that I had sex with her was bad enough, but she is pregnant. I don't love her anymore… I --"

"You didn't practice what you teach." Interrupted Olivia, batting her eyebrows.

"What's supposed to mean?"

"Elliot do I have to explain it…"

"Yeah, enlighten me."

"You teach people to use protection Elliot, you go home and your ex-wife asks you to stay … you do BUT you don't use protection … do you ever?"

"And you are a god-damn saint Olivia!"

"I'm not saying that Ell…"

"You gave money to your fugitive brother … your lucky you still have your job!"

"Elliot you're blowing this way out of proportion!"

"Haha I am not!"

"Yeah you are!"

"You know what Olivia, you expect everyone to cut you a break because you have no father and your life was hell and you got all this shit in your closet."

"Screw you… you bastard!" said Olivia looking like she was about to cry.

She was just getting up to walk away when it just struck Elliot. He was going to lose the best thing that he ever had and he really hurt Olivia.

"Wait Olivia!" he said trailing her, grabbing her arm and looking into her teary eyes: " Olivia I'm sorry I treat you like shit its just I don't love Kathy I love –"

"ELLIOT, OLIVIA…!" said Don scrambling over, " you guys need to get to Julie Geary's house STAT!"

"What's going on?" questioned Elliot with a serious look on his face.

"Her rapist returned and he's got a gun. I just got the 911 call!"

"Let's go!" said Liv.

Then ran down the hall, down the stairs and out of the precinct like a bat out of hell. They jumped into the car and blasted the lights and sirens, flying down packed city streets faster than ever. Julie was in real danger and they had to get there FAST

They arrived at the apartment and Elliot and Liv stormed in. They went up into her bedroom with their weapons drawn. They saw the young woman on the bed covered with only a sheet, shaking and crying. The masked man had a gun and was pointing it right at the girl.

"THIS IS DETECTIVE ELLIOT STABLER WITH THE NYPD … PUT YOUR HANDS UP WHERE I CAN SEE THEM!"

Olivia was standing close by, on alert. They have done this type of thing over 100 times and she is always scared every single time.

"AGAIN, PUT YOUR HANDS UP WHERE I CAN SEE THEM AND DROP YOUR WEAPON!" blares Elliot.

"DON'T BE STUPID, JUST DO WHAT WE SAID!" screamed Olivia.

"Ohh a female cop… get over here!"

"No, drop your weapon!" said Olivia

"I said get over here!" the man said unzippering his pants. "You leave!" he said pointing the gun at Elliot.

"No, I'm not leaving without Julie or my partner."

"Julie you can go now." The masked man said.

Julie ran out of the room crying. It was just Ell, Liv, and the masked man.

"We can try to help you … what's your name?" asked Olivia

"I'm not going to tell you my name detective, I want to know _your _names."

"I'm Elliot Stabler, and this is my partner Olivia Benson."

"Just your partner, I find that very hard to believe." He said winking at Olivia, which made her cringe.

"Your so insistent on not leaving … I guess your going to have to watch me and Olivia screw each other then. You are going to be so jealous that I got a gorgeous woman like her…"

"Olivia, don't." Elliot whispered.

"Elliot do you want him to shoot us… I'll just give him what he wants."

"I'm not going to let you degrade yourself like this Liv. You're going to get hurt and who knows what this guy's got."

"Olivia are you ready?" the man asked.

"She is not going to have sex with you."

"Who asked you buddy?" he said pointing the gun and taking a shot at Elliot.

Olivia knew this was coming … she pushed Elliot out of the way and she felt a sharp pain in her chest as she crashed down to the floor. The man jumped out of the window and ran down the fire escape. Elliot looked over and saw Olivia lying in a pool of blood.

"OLIVIA, OLIVIA!!" screamed Elliot at her aid. "WE NEED A BUS IN HERE!" he screamed.

Cops and EMTs came rushing in and put Olivia on a stretcher. Her eyes were slowly closing.

"Olivia I'm not going to leave you ok… ok??" Said Elliot hysterically

"Elliot … Elliot." She hoarsely whispered, grabbing his tie and pulling him towards her as they boarded the back of the ambulance.

"Talk to me Liv!" he said with his face right up against hers, their lips as close as they ever were.

"I love you." As she said this her eyes closed.

"Olivia I love you too baby!! Don't leave me please!" said Elliot pleading with her.

He held onto her hand and it was cold…. The machines in the back of the EMT weren't beeping anymore and she was unresponsive…

"Olivia … OLIVIA!" Elliot cried.

……………………………………………………………………………………

"Where the hell is he?!?" screamed Kathy sitting at the kitchen table with her hand in a jar of pickles.

"How am I supposed to know?" Said Dickie working on a poster for school in the dining room.

"MOM!!!!!!" screamed Lizzie from the living room.

"WHAT!" Kathy yelled, shuffling over to Lizzie's side.

"_There is breaking news coming into channel 7's newsroom, let's get to Anne Allread with the news, Anne?_

"_Yes there has been a shooting in downtown Manhattan and there are reports that 1 officer has been killed and the suspect has not been found."_

They showed a video of Elliot walking along a stretcher crying hysterically as it boarded the back of the ambulance.

"That's dad!" said Lizzie

"Who is on the stretcher?" wondered Kathy.

"_We have just learned the identity of the officer who was killed…"_

Now the whole Stabler family was gathered around the TV set.

"_Thirty nine year old Manhattan Special Victims Unit detective Olivia Benson was pronounced dead on the way to Mercy General hospital with her partner Elliot Stabler right at her side."_

The showed an official picture of Olivia in her uniform from over 9 years ago. She had the short, dark brown hair and chocolate brown eyes.

"Oh my God, I got to get down there!" said Kathy getting up to grab her keys.

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

The whole one-six was in the hallway in front of the room Olivia was supposed to be in. Everyone had been crying, including Don and Fin. Elliot sat there with his head in his hands with Olivia's blood still on his shirt. Casey walked in and saw them all crying.

"What's wrong, John why did you call me down here?" she questioned with a worried look on her face.

"It's Olivia …"

She ran into the room and saw an empty bed.

"Where's Olivia?"

"Case… Olivia's dead."

"NOO!" screamed Casey collapsing into John's arms crying.

"Shh, it's alright Case." He said half-sobbing moving her into the hallway with everyone else including Melinda who just showed up. She just got the news from Fin and she was in his arms crying.

"Elliot…. Elliot." Kathy shuffled down the hallway approaching the crying group with her baby-bump very obvious.

"It's Olivia," he sobbed as they both hugged.

"I know I saw it on the news honey." She said kissing him on the cheek. They both sat down and he put his hand on her stomach and his head on her shoulders, while she whispered something into his ear.

About 5 minutes later a familiar voice was heard screaming up the hallway:

"WHERE'S MY SISTER?" screamed Simon running towards Elliot.

"Simon we need to talk." Said Elliot getting up.

"Elliot, what happened to Liv? Is she ok?"

"Come on follow me." Said Elliot leading him into the room and shutting the door.

"Where's Olivia... Elliot talk to me!"

"Simon, she's dead."

"What, but how??"

"She got shot Simon …"

"Why didn't you try to protect her Elliot, you're her partner!" sobbed Simon, grabbing onto Elliot's shoulders and shaking him.

"Simon, he meant to shoot me … she took the shot for me." Elliot said quietly.

"What were her last words?"

"I love you Elliot." Elliot said quietly.

"Oh." Said Simon

"I'm sorry, I should have protected her …"

"Elliot … she really cared about you." Said Simon opening the door and walking down the hallway past everyone else.

Elliot just stood there watching him walk down the hallway. Her last words still rang in his head. That was why she left the unit after the warehouse incident with Gitano. She really cared for him and he cared for her. He wishes he never acted like a dickhead today; he was trying to say that he loved her but she interrupted. He had no idea what he was going to do without her … she was his life and reason for living.

He walked out of the room and saw Don talking to Kathy. When Don saw Elliot he looked up and spoke:

"There is nothing you guys can do now … go home, be with your families and whoever. I'll see if I can get all of you guys a few days off … me, Simon and IAB will be making arrangements. If you need anything please call me or swing by the precinct."

While everybody else got up and was leaving, Elliot and Kathy stayed.

"Elliot, I need to talk to you." Said Don, walking into the room and keeping the door open a crack, Kathy overheard them talking:

"IAB wants to talk to you first thing tomorrow morning." Said Don

"Yeah I know."

"Elliot, go home to your family and kids. Kathy said she'll be there to help you out, she knows how hard this is."

"Don, she took the shot for me … why did she do that??" questioned Elliot sitting down on the empty bed.

"Because you've got a family Elliot, a pregnant wife, 4 kids. She really cares about you Elliot … you know that."

"Yeah I know."

"She loved you Elliot." Don said quietly walking away.

Elliot just said on the bed and shaking his head;

"_Maybe one day I'll wake up and this will all just be a dream__." _He thought.

Kathy walked into the room to see Elliot sitting on the bed. She went over to him and sat next to him. He put his head on her shoulders and cried.

"Ell, it's all right … I'll be here for you ok?" she said taking his hand and kissing it.

"Alright." He said looking at her.

"How about this … you go home and take a nice hot shower, I'll get your car at the precinct and I can pick up a few pizzas on the way home."

"I'm not hungry."

"Yeah well me and Stabler junior are. Drive me to the station and I can get your keys. Where are they?"

"Middle drawer." He said weakly.

"Ok let's go." She said.

……………………………………………………………………………………..

Elliot walked into his house without saying a word, his kids just stopped what they were doing and just looked at him. He had Olivia's blood all over his shirt, tie, and pants. He went into the kitchen, scurried around in a few cabinets and pulled out a bottle of scotch. He walked past his speechless kids, and went upstairs into his room, slammed the door and locked it. After crying and drinking the scotch, the room started to turn fuzzy and spin around…

……………………………………………………………………………………………

Kathy walked into the cold, empty precinct to grab Elliot's keys. Cragen was sitting at Olivia's desk going though her phonebooks and drawers. He looked like he had just been crying for the past 4 hours.

"Hey Don I just came by to get Elliot's keys and bring some stuff home to him."

"Alright." He said not looking up from what he was doing.

Kathy sat down and went though Elliot's cluttered desk. Once she got the keys, she tried to clean up his desk and drawers. She was looking at pictures on his desk of her and the kids. She saw a picture of Olivia and Elliot that looked like it was old. Elliot was wearing a tux and Olivia was wearing a little black dress. Don had a big pile of photo albums and pictures on Olivia's desk.

"Pick out some you think Elliot would like." He said quietly.

"Sure." She said quietly grabbing a book and flipping the pages.

She saw pictures of Olivia with Casey, Alex, and Melinda. They were all wearing party clothes and they were in a bar with a bunch of guys. She had her flowing brown hair, and beautiful brown eyes that just matched her olive skin. Then there were a bunch of pictures of her and Casey making funny faces wearing there PJs. Kathy took out one of Olivia laughing and giving the peace sign. She continued looking in the book and saw a load of pictures with Liv and Elliot. There was one in black and white where Elliot had his arm around Olivia's waist and she was laughing hysterically and one of Olivia and Elliot singing and the rest of the squad laughing.

"_Wow she is so pretty I wish I looked that young!"_ thought Kathy as a small tear ran down her cheek.

It finally struck her why everyone loved Olivia; she was smart, funny, sexy, and good at being a detective. She cared and always had advice and could be your best friend; Kathy went to her for advice about her and Elliot's marriage. The guys always treated her as one of them when she joined the squad over 9 years ago. They aren't going to be the same without her.

………………………………………………………………………………

Casey, Melinda, Monique and Fin were all at John's house sitting in silence. Casey was sitting on the couch hugging her knees while John sat next to her snuggling her. On the other side of John, was Monique who had her head on Johns shoulders with tears in her eyes. Fin was sitting on the other couch with his arm around Melinda. After what seemed like forever John spoke up:

"Remember at the Christmas party about 8 or 9 years ago when Olivia sang 'Man I Feel Like A woman'?"

"Yeah I do… Me and her were dancing." Replied Fin "She was a wicked good dancer."

"We danced too … remember John?" Monique asked. "You weren't that bad."

"Yeah I know a lot of women say that..." said John.

"Hey Monique remember when me you and Liv went to the gym and we saw Elliot there?" Casey asked.

"Yeah she couldn't keep her eyes off of him that night."

"Neither could we." Smiled Casey.

"Remember when Olivia …."

…………………………………………………………………………………….

Kathy got the pizzas and hurried home with the pictures she picked out for Elliot tucked neatly in her pocketbook. When she pulled into the driveway she took a deep breath, got out of the car, and entered the house.

"Thank God I'm starving!!" said Dickie clearing the table and grabbing plates, cups, and soda.

"You guys can start eating, where's you dad?" Kathy questioned.

"Went upstairs a long time ago." Kathleen said. "Is he alright?"

"Not right now honey, just leave him alone for a few days ok guys?" said Kathy weakly.

"Alright." They all replied in unison as they ate their pizza.

Kathy trudged up the stairs and headed to her room.

………………………………………………………………………………………….

"Elliot … Elliot…" she said knocking on the door.

She tried to open it and found that it was locked. She reached over the doorframe, grabbed the key, and unlocked the door. To her horror she found Elliot passed out cold on the bed with the bottle of scotch still in his hand.

"Oh my God!" she said as she scrambled to the bathroom to get some cold water.

"Elliot…honey…wake up!" she said splashing him with the water.

"Ughhh." Elliot moaned.

"Elliot it's Kathy … wake up."

"Kathy…. Where am I?" he said groggily, opening his eyes.

"Your at home honey." She said running her hands though his hair and trying to get rid of the water under his eyes.

"What the hell happened?" he said trying to comprehend what happened.

"You just had a little too much to drink that's all."

"Ohhh." Said Elliot noticing that he was holding a half empty bottle of scotch

Kathy took it out of his hand and tried to sit him up. He got woozy and felt the room spinning so he lay back down.

"Kath where did all this blood come from?" he said noticing his shirt.

"It's from Olivia … honey Olivia passed away…"

"Nooo" sobbed Elliot huddled on his side.

"It's ok honey … I won't leave you I promise." She said, as she lay down next to him face to face. She was staring at his rugged face, his clear blue, teary eyes and set-jaw. She placed her hand on his face, leaned in and kissed him on the lips, her heat transferring to him, but the taste of tears was lingering on Kathy's lips.

Elliot just laid there crying, wishing as hell that Olivia was right next to him staring at him face to face with her brown, long hair, her chocolate eyes and olive skin. He would do anything to see her, kiss her, and tell her how he really feels. Now he is trapped: his ex-wife has his baby on the way and the other woman whom he fell in love with is now dead. He just wanted to die too, just so he can see Olivia and feel her again. On the way to the hospital he has never been that close to her in his life. He just wanted to feel his lips press against hers ever so gently and take in the sweet scent of her perfume that always drove Elliot wild, even when he was still married. He just wanted to touch her in all the right places….

Now she is gone…. Gone for good.

**Dumm dumm dummm … yeah this chapter is sad, but it will get better I assure you. And can you please leave some feedback if you can (did you love it, hate it, whatever.) The comments keep me writing!**


	2. I will remember you

**I Will Remember You**

_He gets a text message on his phone from an unknown caller that reads:_

**_Meet me at the precinct as soon as you can._**

**_-kthanksbye_**

_He is hesitant but he gets up, still half asleep with his sleeping wife next to him_.

"_Fuck damn- it!!" he whispers stumbling around the dark room looking for a decent pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. He leaves his sleeping wife and kids, jumps in the car and heads over to the precinct. He walks in to find it empty and dark._

"_What the hell!" he says very impatiently, noticing no signs of life at the one-six._

_He sits down at his desk and turns on the light, the sight in front of him startling him:_

"_Olivia?!?" he says rubbing his eyes not believing the sight._

"_Hey Ell." She says with a smile._

"_Wait… your... suppose to be… dead!" he stammers out._

"_Yeah I know… it's a long story…" she smiles_

"_Olivia you have no idea how much I missed you." He said giving her a huge hug that she didn't expect. _

"_I missed you too Ell."_

"_Did you really mean it… what you said?"_

"_What did I say?" _

"_That you loved me… or where you just acting?" _

"_Elliot we need to talk… in private."_

"_Ok." He said leading her up to the crib. Once they got up there, she shut the door and they sat together on a cot. _

"_So … did you mean it?" _

_Olivia was staring down at her feet and fidgeting._

"_Olivia … did you mean it?" said Elliot looking right at her._

"_Well…yeah I did, but you have a pregnant wife and 4 kids, and we are partners…" she broke off getting up._

_He grabbed her and pulled her towards him, making her sit down next to him. _

"_Elliot… stop I mean it, I don't want to talk about it." She said trying to fight him off._

"_Olivia, you have no idea how much I fucking love you, all the shit between Kathy, and me we don't even talk to each other," he said pulling her onto his lap, so they sat face to face._

"_Elliot you slept with her, you still love her and I don't want to get used." She said uncomfortably looking away, biting her lip._

"_What I did that night was wrong, I should have been home sleeping, or out with you, I would never ever use you in a million years, I know what I'm doing here, I know I'm doing the right thing, you're the best thing that ever fucking happened to me. Olivia __I don't love Kathy …I love you__. You're so beautiful. " He said looking at her straight in the eye, pulling her towards him. _

"_I love you too Elliot." She said sitting on his lap, her lips and his dangerously close._

"_Just kiss me already." He said looking into her eyes." I've been waiting for 8 years."_

"_You can't wait 2 more seconds?" She smiled and kissed him on the lips, her tongue gaining access inside of his mouth. He smelled that perfume that drove him wild and felt her smooth lips against his rough stubble. She felt him hard against her and she pulled away smiling. _

"_Damn we're done already? He said moving his mouth towards her lips, with his hands on her ass._

"_Who said anything about being done?" she said kissing him more passionately than ever._

"_Lets fuck Liv, I've been waiting soo long." He whispered kissing up her neck. _

"_Oh." _

"_Liv what's wrong?" he asked stopping and looking into her eyes._

"_It's just…"_

"_Liv I got protection, don't worry about that. But if you don't want to do it, it's perfectly fine… I mean it."_

"_No, I want to do it it's just…"_

"_What baby, what's wrong?" questioned Elliot placing his hands on hers._

"_I'm just uncomfortable … being naked … in front of you… I don't have a pretty body like…"_

"_Are you shitting me? Your gorgeous and I really mean that with all my heart. Liv I wanna see you naked … you can look at me … trust me I'm not a model. I'll go first okay??" _

"_Alright." _

_He stands up on the other side of the cot; she respectfully looks away as he takes off his shirt._

"_You can look." He said smiling _

_First came off his shirt, once this happened she couldn't stop staring at him._

"_Liv are you alright?" he said noticing her placing her hand between her legs. _

"_Yeah… just…just… keep going… please!" she said smiling._

"_Okay if you insist." Laughed Elliot._

_He unbuckled his belt … slowly, teasing Olivia. He took off his belt and whipped off his pants, right next to his shirt on the floor._

"_Nice boxers." Laughed Liv noticing his green and white shamrock boxers. _

"_Thanks." He said smiling " Can you pull them down for me?" _

"_Sure." She said reaching over, pulling the boxers down his legs. She swoons as her jaw dropped to the floor._

"_Anything wrong?" he smiled, ass naked in front of his partner of 8 years._

"_Holy shit Ell, I'm __very__ impressed." She said smiling at the sight of his throbbing erection._

"_Your turn." He said still standing._

" _Alright." She said slowly unbuttoning her shirt to reveal her black lacy bra. She unzippered her pants and pulled them down her legs to reveal her black matching thong."_

"_Christ Liv!" hissed Elliot._

"_Should I keep going?" she teased._

"_Fuck yeah." _

_She walked over to the opposite side of the crib, looking in the mirror right over a metal sink. As she was standing there taking her hair out of the ponytail and letting it sweep across her back, Elliot got a good view of her round sculpted ass. He walked up behind her with his erection right up against her inner thigh and whispered in her ear:_

"_Are you sure you want to do this?" _

"_Yeah." She said pulling him back over to their spot on the cot. She un-hooked her bra and got the 'Holy shit Liv… nice tits!' reaction from Ell. She finally pulled down her thong and was just about to lie down on the bed when Elliot grabbed her hand,_

"_Your so fucking beautiful, I don't know what I would do if I ever lost you…" he broke off kissing her and running his hands down her ass._

"_Let's do it Ell…" _

………………………………………………………………………………………………

By the time he woke up it was 2am. He doesn't even remember falling asleep; he doesn't even know where he is. He sits up to find his sleeping wife next to him, and he is still in his clothes, still bloody from earlier that day. He gets out of bed, checks on the kids, and takes a leak. When he enters the room, he scurries around to grab a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. He tries to find his gun, that Kathy has hidden, and heads out.

By the time he gets to the shooting range its 2:30 and of course its empty. He turns on the lights, and pulls out his gun, bullets, and the paper and sets up. He looks at the gun blankly while he's loading it, like it's a foreign object of some sorts. Sure he can pull the trigger right now and end his life, but he doesn't want to, he knows Olivia wants him to be strong and watch out for his family and the rest of the one-six. He points his glock and shoots at the paper, reloading time after time, until the paper looks like a Swiss cheese sandwich. This was one way Elliot got his anger out, besides punching lockers and walls. Him and Liv always went to the range together. When she wasn't around, he went with Danni alone, flirting with her the whole time, acting like a total dickhead. When he is satisfied he goes home, **back to reality**.

When he gets home he finds the light on in the kitchen and Kathy sitting at the table eating pickles.

"Elliot where were you?" she questions calmly.

"Sorry Kath I had to get out." He said placing his bag on the floor, having a seat at the table right next to her and taking a pickle out of the jar. "Why are you up, you should be in bed."

"I was hungry and I woke up and you weren't there… I got worried."

"Don't be worried about me, we have to worry about…"

"Yeah I know. I don't know how I'm going to do it Ell."

"We'll work together, don't worry about it, we'll take it by year." He said looking at her tired worn-out face.

"Come on let's get upstairs and get some sleep."

"I can't sleep Kath…"

"Just come up anyway, please?"

"Alright." He said taking her hand and walking up into the bedroom.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"Elliot, I know these questions are going to be difficult for you to answer but I want you to try to answer them truthfully … ok?" said Brad the IAB agent switching on the tape recorder and video camera.

"Yeah I know." Said a worn out Elliot with bags under his eyes from lack of sleep.

"Ok Elliot, here are a few simple questions, what was your relationship to Olivia Benson?"

"I was her partner in the Special Victims Unit."

"For how long?"

"About 9 years now."

"That's a pretty long time, what words would you use to describe her?"

"Independent, fearless, compassionate."

"I know this may be difficult but can you try to describe the events that happened yesterday?"

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

"So Don you need to tell me about Elliot and Olivia." Said IAB agent Roger.

"What do you need to know?"

"About their relationship."

"I don't see what this has to do with her death."

"Well she took a bullet for her partner, we seem to think they may have had a sexual relationship that you were unaware about."

"That is ridiculous, she took the bullet for him because he has a pregnant wife and kids!" he said slamming his fist on the table in disgust

"It's not out of the question Don. They have been written up numerous times for putting the other's lives over the job, they are extremely close and have been partners for over 9 years."

"They didn't have a sexual relationship, I know my detectives!" scolded Don " He has a wife and kids for Christ sakes!"

"They have been dodging the question for years Don."

"Are we here to clear things up about Olivia or argue!"

"Fine, _Captain_ is it true Olivia and Elliot are _closer _than the rest of the squad." He said with a snooty attitude.

"They are close, she helped him out though a lot and he did the same."

" Now captain if you ever found out that they were having a sexual relationship, would you ever report it to IAB, or would you just sweep it under the rug?"

……………………………………………………………………………………..

"Thanks for clearing that up Elliot. I just have a few more questions, if you don't mind?"

"No its fine lay it on me."

"Were you and Olivia ever in an uhh sexual relationship?"

"No. And I don't see what this has to do with anything."

"Well have you had any feelings or desires for Olivia Benson?"

"You know what, I'm done here." Said Elliot heading for the door.

"You didn't answer the question—" he said as he heard the door slam.

………………………………………………………………………………..

"You know your Detective Elliot Stabler just did a two-step around my question Captain." Said Agent Brad entering the room."

"Oh." Said Agent Roger " What happened?"

"Well he ended the interview prematurely."

"Don't you people get it, his partner just took a fucking bullet for him and died for Christ sakes!" scolded Don.

"Yeah well he conveniently left the room when I asked him whether he had any feelings for Miss. Benson."

"Do I have to repeat myself?" questioned Don.

"Well you are gonna have to get his ass back here to answer some more questions, once he answers our questions we can continue with the arrangements." Said Agent Brad opening the door, to end the interview.

"I'll talk to him." Said Don leaving the room.

……………………………………………………………………………………….

Don walked into the squad room to see Elliot alone sitting at his desk, looking at old pictures of him and Olivia.

"Shouldn't you be home with your family?" asked Don starling Elliot.

"Nobody's home." Said Elliot still gripping the pictures, tears in his eyes.

"I heard what you did at the interview Elliot, you gotta answer those questions."

"Yeah I know."

"Do you know Liv's locker combination?"

"Yeah."

"Help me go through her locker, you can keep whatever you want."

"Alright." He said following Don into the locker room.

38…42…40. That was the combination that only her and Elliot knew. He had never been in her locker before, he knows not to invade a woman's personal space. He has seen her many pictures on the door, of past rape victims who meant a lot to her, or just random pictures of her and her friends or her run-ins with celebrities. Just going though her stuff could set him off.

"Elliot you with me, if you don't want to do this that's fine I can just do this myself." He said noticing Elliot staring blankly ahead.

"No it's fine I'll help you." he said twisting the knob, his fingers trembling as Don grabbed 2 boxes from overhead.

The door clicked and he slowly opened the door, his hands were shaking. They both looked inside to find a messy locker.

"Good thing her desk isn't this messy." Said Don reaching inside to find a bag of clothes.

"Elliot, go though these, I can't do it I'm her boss." He said passing the bag over to him.

"Fine." He said unzippering the bag. He looked inside to find an old pair of sweatpants and an NYPD shirt. Underneath that he saw a red bra and thong, this made him sick to his stomach, he was invading his partner's privacy and going though her stuff and especially because he is a guy.

"She has a lot of pictures." Said Don breaking the silence throwing beauty products like shampoos and a box of tampons into the box.

"Yeah I know." Said Elliot throwing the bag down and reaching into her locker for more stuff. He pulled out her pink I-pod that practically lived on her ears. "Capt. u think Fin would want this?"

" Yeah, put it over in that other box." He said looking numbly at a book of pictures. "Elliot, why didn't you answer that agent's question today?"

"I dunno."

"Elliot if you have something to say… you've been dodging the question for some time…"

Elliot just stood there shaking his head.

"Elliot…"

"You know what Don yes, yes I did have feelings for her and I still do now, I wish I had never slept with Kathy in the first place, I should have been here with Liv. That day at the bus depot, I went to her and not the kid because I didn't want to lose her, because I love her Don, I really fucking love her. I do have sexual feelings for her and I don't know whether she felt the same about me…I can't take it anymore." He sobbed walking away.

"Elliot…" trailed Don. There was no use running after him, Don just stood there looking into Liv's locker mirror. Tears were streaking down his face, his gut was right, Elliot did have sexual feelings for her, and he believed she felt the same way about him. He slammed the empty locker shut and carried the boxes into his office. He sat down at his desk, head in his hands. He still couldn't believe he lost one of his detectives. He was extremely close with Liv; she was like his own daughter. He remembers when she first joined the one-six, Elliot complaining that he paired him up with a rookie, and that she would be overzealous because of her past. But those feelings changed as they got more and more used to each other and they grew to be great friends. They got along so well, and they could be easily mistaken for a couple. The rest of the squad would joke saying, "There will be a day they will bang." And they even placed bets whether they would get together or not. Now him and Simon will be planning her funeral arrangements.

………………………………………………………………………………………….

It was three days later, when the wake for Olivia Benson took place. All you could see was a sea of black and blue throughout the large funeral home. Elliot and the rest of the weary one-six was right there beside her along with her brother and a few close friends. Casey and Monique were in hysterics and Elliot's eyes were still red and stung from the tears. It was a closed casket service and many people that Elliot had known from the NYPD were there. In one room, a projector was displaying tons of pictures… mostly of her and Elliot and the guys throughout the years. More than halfway though the wake, Kathy and the Stabler clan showed up.

"Elliot honey are you alright?" whispered Kathy into Elliot's ear as they hugged.

"I don't know." He whispered numbly. "I'm sorry I haven't been around…"

"Ell, don't worry about it, I know how much she meant to you."

"Yeah."

"Hey Kathy." Said a worn out John Munch who tried to fake a smile.

"Hey John, I'm really sorry… I know she meant a lot—" she said offering up a hug.

"Thanks Kath, how's the little one doing?" said John noticing the baby bump.

"Good Thanks, I'm too old for this John."

"You'll do fine." He says with a weak smile.

After her and the rest of the Stabler Clan made it though the line of Liv's closest, they headed home. After the innumerable handshakes and hugs of the fellow NYPD and numerous rape victims, the wake ended. People started to file out, but the 1-6 stayed and comforted each other, Elliot and Liv's best friend Shawna were talking on the far end of the room, while John, Monique, Fin and Chester talked to Case and some of Liv's other friends.

"Elliot, Liv really liked you, she always talked about you." said Shawna still sobbing.

"I've been told, She talked about you too." Said Elliot putting his arm around her and rubbing her back.

"No Elliot not that … I don't know if Liv would want me to tell you this but –" Shawna broke off.

Simon and a man walked into the room. The man introduced himself as Walter O'Neil the funeral home director.

"Simon told me how much you guys really liked Miss Benson and I am so truly sorry for your loss, she seemed like a bright, talented woman."

"Yeah she was." was all that Chester Lake could stammer out.

"Simon and I agreed that you guys should be able to see her for one last time, so if you want we can open the casket and you guys can give her your goodbyes."

"Thank you very much, we all appreciate it." Said Don.

They were all let out and her casket was opened. Simon walked in first, alone and sobbing. As he knelt in front of her, he reached out and touched her cold hand. He took a note that he wrote the night before and placed it carefully in her hand. Next Don entered and said his last goodbyes to one of his favorite detectives. After Don, Chester and Casey entered the room. Less than 30 seconds later, Chester led a hysterically sobbing and shaking Casey out of the room and outside. She was sobbing ' Nooo!" into Chester's shoulder and he looked like he just saw a ghost. After Monique, Melinda, and John went in, it was just Elliot and Shawna.

"Do you want me to go in with you?" asked Elliot.

"No it's alright, I think I can handle it." She said taking a deep breath and walking in the room.

Elliot peeked in though the doorway. Elliot felt bad for Shawna, she was her best friend and they told each other everything. Shawna told Elliot about her nasty divorce from her husband who used to beat her. He saw her crying and babbling something to Liv that he couldn't comprehend. After a while she left and Elliot slowly walked in.

He walked in to see Olivia in a pair of black pin-striped pants and a blue blouse. He hands were folded on her chest and her hair was down and straight. He saw his partner; his blood, lying peacefully in a box. This ripped Elliot to shreds.

"Liv…" he whimpered kneeling right in front of her. " You look so beautiful, I really mean it." He said sobbing.

After a few minutes, he spoke up;

"Liv I'm so sorry, you really shouldn't have done that to me…you didn't deserve to die…I should have" he broke off. "I'm sorry I treat you like shit all the time …. It's just… you really mean a lot to me and… I love you Olivia … I love you…." he sobbed loudly, reaching over and grabbing her hand. He leaned over and rested his head on her cold body never wanting to leave her side.

As he was talking to Liv, Shawna peeked though the doorway watching Elliot. She heard him say " Liv I love you" and shook her head. She leaned her body up against the wall and slide down it, buring her head in her hands sobbing. She finally got Liv to tell her that she liked Ell, after a long time of denying it. She remembered when Liv told her that Kathy was pregant, Shawna almost shit her pants. When she first saw Ell she knew that him and Liv got to get together.

"Shawna, Shawna..." said Elliot squatting down at her side." It's okay Shawna, let me take you home." he said rubbing her shoulders.

"Okay." wimpered Shawna while Elliot pulled her up.

After a good 20 minutes of silence on the way to Shawna's apartment he finally spoke up;

" Shawna, how long have you known Liv?"

"Since high school... we met freshman year... we had alot of fun... those were the days." sighed Shawna with her head glued to the window.

"Oh."

"So... Liv was telling me you have four kids or something like that?"

"Yeah four teenagers, with one on the way." he sighed.

"Oh, you got any names picked out?"

"No ... I don't know ... I have a hard time believeing it's mine."

"Oh, sorry." said Shawna "_ Damn Liv was right , his life is fucked up!" _she thought.

" We're here." said Elliot stopping in front of a brownstone. "Here, let me walk you up."

"Thanks." said Shawna getting out of the car.

They both took the elevator up to the 6th floor. While in the elevator, Elliot couldn't stop staring at her. Shawna caught him:

"Ell ... is something wrong?"

"Nope." he said staring straight ahead. Something about the way she said 'Ell' reminded him of Liv.

When the elevator stopped Shawna led the way to her apartment 613 and opened the door.

"You wanna come in?"

"Nahh I just wanted to make sure you got up here alright that's all." he said looking straight at her.

"Oh ok , I have Mike's in the fridge..."

"Nope it' s fine." he said getting ready to walk away.

"Ell--" said Shawna grabbing his hand. " Thanks for everything... now I know why Olivia liked you so much."

"It's fine Shawna." he said hugging her. He wasn't the huggy-type at all.

_"Oh my god!" _she thought , taking in his sweet smell.

As he was getting ready to leave, she pulled him back yet again, this time kissing him on the lips, feeling the heat of his soft lips against hers, slowly pulling away.

_"What the fuck did I just do ?!?" _she thought as her mind raced a-mile-a-minute.

"Ell, I'm sorry it's just --"

" No..no... it's fine." said Elliot, surprised that his partner's best friend just kissed him.

"Oh uh ok... uh see you tomorrow Ell?" she stuttered, redder than a trafic light.

"See yah." said Elliot walking away.

…………………………………………………………………………………

Since Kathy took the kids out to eat, Elliot decided to head back to the precinct so he go over some paperwork. After the long, quiet, and somber car ride back to the one-six, Elliot got out and made his way to the squad room. Suddenly he felt a strong tug on his shoulder. He was being pulled into a supply closet and as he looked around he saw the door shut and locked.

"Woah… What the—" trailed Elliot.


	3. Nobody Wins

Nobody Wins

Hold your head up high  
You're never wrong  
Somewhere in the right you belong  
You would rather fight then walk away  
What a lonely way to breathe the air  
What an unlovely way to say you care  
Now we're too far gone for me to save  
And I never thought that we'd come to this  
**- **_**Nobody Wins**_** by The Veronicas**

"Woah… What the—" trailed Elliot being pulled into the closet.

"Shhh, I'm not supposed to be here." She said placing her finger on his lips to silent him.

"Jesus Christ you scared the shit out of me, way to give me a heart attack!!"

"Well I don't think Don and the rest of the guys would want to see me here."

"That isn't true … any reason why we are in a supply closet Dani?"

"I just came by to apologize on what happened to Olivia, I know she meant a lot to you. Sorry I couldn't get to the wake, I was working and it would be awkward."

"Thanks, she did mean a lot to me." Replied Elliot, just noticing the little space separating them in the tight closet.

"I missed you Ell." She said putting her hands over his that were down at his side.

"I missed you too Dani." He said with his sparking blue eyes looking at her.

It seemed as if there bodies were moving closer and closer together. Elliot looked down and saw Dani's chest right up against his. She was leaning in slowly and so was Elliot. They started passionately kissing. While kissing, He lifted her and she put her legs around his waist stratteling him. He could just feel himself getting hard. She was getting ready to unzip his pants and unbuckle his belt but Elliot spoke up:

"Dani I can't fucking do this , I have a pregnant wife at home." He said placing her on the ground and adjusting himself.

"You seemed to have enjoyed that Ell." She said looking down at his waist.

"Dani, it's not about that…"

"She won't know, she doesn't love you like I do, remember at the bar we were kissing and at the hospital…"

" That was a mistake!" He said realizing what he did wrong.

"I bet you that kid isn't even yours! And oh yeah I forgot you like banging your precious Olivia, is that why she left Elliot?"

"You leave … right now!" he said opening the door and letting her out.

"Fine I will." She said stomping out.

"May I ask why you guys were in a closet?" asked Chester walking by.

"No, please don't" said Elliot walking away with his head down, towards the locker room.

He sat on the bench and just placed his head in his hands and cried. He really fucked up this time. He almost had sex with Dani, with Kathy pregnant at home. He would have had 2 pregnant women to deal with. He had to get out of there.. and fast.

……………………………………………………………………

"Hey Ell, glad your home." Kathy hollered as she lying on the living room sofa, watching _Lifetime._

"No, no stay there." He said noticing her getting up."Uh Kath … I'm going to uhh take a shower."

"Ell wait," she said getting up and walking towards him. " The kids are at the mall looking for stuff for the baby, it's just me and you tonight, and I really need to talk to you about something."

"_Oh shit this can't be good."_ He thought, " Uh, ok sounds good to me, I better get in-"

"Alright." She says kissing him on the cheek. He stands there … looking at her blankly. She stands on her tipy-toes and places her forehead against his. He walks away heading to their bedroom, then the shower.

While he is in the shower, Kathy decides to take a look through ell's mans chest in their bedroom. She opens it and looks at all the pictures of him and the kids and her. She finds a small box and opens it. It is pictures of him and the rest of the squad including Olivia. A picture falls to the floor and she picks it up. She notices a picture of a blonde-haired blue eyed woman, who Elliot couldn't stop looking at.

"_Who the hell is this?!?" _she thought as studied the picture more closely.

She flips the picture over and sees writing that reads:

_Dear Ell, _

_I'm sorry I had to leave you so soon, but I'll be sure to pop in and visit sometime even though you were the only one who seemed to like me. I'll miss you a lot Ell, I really will and I hope we can still see each other outside of work._

_Love, Dani _

"_Woah… did she just write love … to __my husband__!!" _Kathy thought, the hormones kicking into overdrive. " _So this is the stunner … no wonder why Olivia didn't like her." _

Suddenly Elliot's cell phone that was on the nightstand chirped. Kathy quickly went over to the phone and saw that he had a new text message. She opened it and was shocked to read what it said:

_Ell, _

_I'm sorry about what happened today, I honestly don't know what got into me, I thought you were single and you were still into me, but I guess I was wrong, I knew that you loved Olivia, that was why you always talked about her like she was your friggin life. And yeah I' m sorry about those things I said about your wife … but I still think they are true. _

_Dani_

"_Oh this means war!" _Kathy thought as she quickly slammed down the phone, and closed Elliot's man chest. She heard the shower turn off and took a seat on the bed … with the picture tucked into her bathrobe pocket.

"Oh hey Kath, wasn't expecting you up here." said Elliot stepping out of the bathroom with just a towel on.

"Do you want me to leave?" she replied. "_And have Dani up here instead?" _she thought.

"Nah, it's fine." He faintly smiled and went over to get a fresh pair of tighty-whiteys and some sweatpants. "Was it just me, or did my cell ring?"

"I think it was just you." she said quietly looking towards their bedroom door, which was now closed.

"Oh alright." He said throwing the towel in the hamper in the corner of the room, waiting for Kathy to take a look at him. "Kath is anything wrong?" he asked when she didn't look at him like she always used to when he was naked.

"_Christ Ell, put some damn clothes on, I can't stare away much longer." _She thought.

"Kath?" he questioned, still naked.

"No Elliot nothings wrong." She snapped at him, finally looking at him. " _Jesus Christ Kathy Anne get your damn mind out of the gutter!" _she thought admiring him as he put on his clothes.

"Whatever you say."

"Elliot…"

"Yeah Kath?" he asked fully dressed, all eyes on her.

"Did you ever cheat on me… when we were married?" she asked calmly.

"No why … did you?"

"Who was Dani Beck?"

"_Oh shit." _He thought " I worked with her for a little while, why?"

"You know I don't believe you one bit Ell." She said with some attitude.

"I didn't cheat on you, and what is wrong with you for thinking I did?"

"This is." She says pulling out the picture of Elliot and Dani. She flipped the picture over to the writing on the back. "So was this the woman Elliot … was she?"

"No Kathy … we were partners, and where the hell did you get that anyway?"

"I'm asking the questions here Ell. Any reason why she put love on this?"

"I don't know she wrote it … I found it in my locker when I went to work one morning." Said Elliot not in the mood for a pissing contest right now. He was going to grab his cell phone and head out the door when she grabbed the phone.

"What the hell?" he asked … pissed off.

"Elliot, explain this." She said showing him the text message.

He looked at the message and thought he was going to puke. "What's there to explain?" he asked

"Everything."

"Kathy this is bullshit." He said stomping down the stairs and throwing himself on the couch.

After a few minutes, she headed down to the kitchen, past Elliot on the couch. She sat at the table, put her head in her hands and cried.

"_Aww Kath." _Elliot thought to himself, as he tried to resist going into the kitchen. He thought she was just playing a game with him, to make him look bad. "_But she never cries." _He thought. After listening to her cry for about 2 minutes, he went into the kitchen and saw her full out sobbing.

"Get the hell out of here … I don't want to see you." she sobbed.

"Kath … honey … we need to talk. Come on out in the living room." He said trying to take her hand. She pushed him away and headed out to the living room, with him following.

"You cheated on me didn't you. I know it's not Olivia, she wouldn't do that to me."

"Honey… I'm going to tell you the truth okay?" he sighed.

"You cheated on me you bastard!" she yelped as she slapped him across the face.

"No… now hear me out. Dani and I were partners, when Olivia went undercover. We were working a hard case and we won it, so her, Casey, and I decided to get a drink at O'Malley's."

Kathy wasn't crying, but she was staring right at him.

He signed, "We had a lot to drink that night, and she –"

The phone rang and she took it off the hook. "Continue." She said.

"We had a lot to drink and she left her car at the station, so I decided to give her a ride back there." He paused. " On the way back to the car, I opened up her door and … we kissed. We were drunk Kath, and we got interrupted half way though anyway."

" So, you guys made out, did you touch her Elliot … like you used to touch me?"

"No. It was quick, we were drunk."

"Oh." Kathy signed, kind of relieved. " What happened today Elliot?"

" I was back at the precinct and I was pulled into a closet." He broke off looking right at her, his blue eyes glistening.

"And the boogie monster got you." she said sarcastically "Tell me what happened Ell."

"She was in the closet Kath, she apologized on what happened to Olivia, and held my hand." He paused " She kept moving closer and closer to me and finally … we made out."

"Elliot…" Kathy sighed shaking her head.

"Then she put her legs around my waist, and I lifted her up." He paused again. " We were still kissing when she tried to unzip my pants—"

"That fucking bitch stole my damn husband!!" she shouted out into an empty house.

"I stopped her, and told her I had you at home and I was making a big mistake, and I couldn't do it."

"What did she say to you, I want you to tell me all that she said!"

" She said that I enjoyed it and you wouldn't know about it … she said that I'd rather screw Olivia and the baby isn't mine."

"Did you enjoy it?" she asked quietly.

"What do you mean?"

"Were you hard Elliot?? Tell me the truth."

"Yeah Kath … I'm so fucking sorry, it's just my emotions are just so out of whack. I don't love her … I love you." _"Liar!" _he thought to himself.

"Ell … what makes me think I can trust you with this baby, I can't take care of it on my own."

"I'll be with you … 100. I promise." He said looking at her. "Kathy … did you ever cheat on me?"

"I went on a few dates … nobody you know."

"Did you sleep with any of them?"

"Elliot what the fuck is this 21 questions?! Are you questioning whether this is your child?"

He just looked at her.

"I gotta pee." She said rushing out of the room.

"Kathy." He said as he grabbed her arm.

"Let go Elliot! I mean it!" she said as she stalked off to the bathroom slamming the door.

Elliot signed; he hoped his gut was wrong and that the baby was his.


End file.
